Being Self-Centered

I generally assume people don’t think about me. Not in a malicious way, but in a “why would they waste energy thinking about me?” kind of way. I mean, I’m not that thrilling, and people have their own lives going on. No hard feelings.

However, thinking this way has made me less than considerate of others. I assume they aren’t thinking about me, so I don’t really think about them. Again, it’s not mean, it’s just forgetful. Apparently all of this makes me seem self-centered and I don’t like that.

It’s difficult thinking about others when you are in a crappy situation yourself, especially when it seems like everyone in your life is doing something awesome and exciting. I’m honestly having a really hard time being excited and happy for other people right now, because I want some of that for myself! I am, and I’m admitting it, jealous of things and situations and opportunities that I don’t have right now. That jealousy makes it nearly impossible for me to seem genuinely interested in everyone’s fantastic lives.

My situation forces me to think about myself a lot: my work experience, my education, my skills, what kind of job I’d like, what would make me happy, etc. I’m alone a lot. None of this adds up to anything positive. It’s not good to leave me alone, thinking, for too long–I get angsty and I worry about everything. My anxiety is a self-centered beast, too. I’m not worried about things happening to other people that often, but I do worry about things happening to me.

I’ve been making more of a concerted effort to be a better friend lately, and a lot of it involves leaving my comfort zone of how I usually communicate with people. I don’t call people, I wait for them to call me. I’ve always been like this… and I’m realizing I have to change or I’m going to be alone a lot.

Anyway, if it seems like an unemployed/underemployed person in your life is being selfish, there are a lot of reasons why they are acting this way. Unemployment makes you examine why you don’t have a job and why it seems like you can’t get a job, and those are uncomfortable issues to probe. It’s vulnerable, and that makes me, at least, turn inward.

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