I have felt very meh lately, for lack of a better term. Actually, I have a better term, somewhere in my brain, but meh just so perfectly describes my current state. I’m tired, I don’t really care about anything, and my emotions are so roller-coastery that I feel like I have whiplash. I have sort of shut off the part of my brain that actually gives a damn. This is a condition called “long-term unemployment.”
Next week will be my one year anniversary of getting canned. Yay for me! Or boo. Or something. I’m glad that I made it through the year in one piece. I sure wish I had gainful employment, and I wish I wasn’t dependent on the goodwill of the state for my money, because let me tell you, that makes you feel like a piece of crap when you’re talking to people sometimes. They’ll bring up the funding of social programs, and inevitably, one or two people (I live in a liberal city, thankfully) will mention how they hate people who get government money. I have a big mouth, guys, so I have to poke the bear and reply that I am a recipient of that money, and then it turns into a big thing. People think you’re hysterical (in a “crazy woman” way, not a “hahaha” way) when you talk about this stuff, and really, I’m not, but my entire life kind of depends on social programs right now. So be nice; someone you know probably receives federal or state money for something, whether it be disability or unemployment or food stamps, and you have no idea.
I should make a cake for my one year anniversary and bring it into my old job! That’s a terrible idea. But it sounds fun, right? Just drop the cake on the desk and walk out without saying anything; I wish I was brave and a little stupider.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still bitter about being fired (the above paragraph illustrates that), and bitter about my situation. I freak out about my life at least three times a week, if not more. I was supposed to be better than this. I will be, probably, better than this one day, and then we’ll look back and wish that 2011-2012 were not as angst-ridden. I am bitter and angry and sad about things in my life, but I’m not sad about my life. That’s a very important distinction.
So if you know me in real life and I seem sort of blank, this is why. My brain is running at full-speed, but I’m blocking it a little so I don’t have to think about everything all the time. Stupid brain with its thinking.