My friend came over yesterday and we watched Buffy while we ate cookies. It was really fun. Today I went to my best friend’s house to sew some costumes for my troupe. Then I have a show tonight. I might be going to roller derby tomorrow. A couple we know invited us over for a bonfire sometime.

WHAT IS HAPPENING??

Voluntary social experiences outside of a bar context? Enjoying the company of others, in a genuine way? (Realizing that others might enjoy my company?) Making sort of last-minute plans? I am amazed with myself.

I feel a little less isolated than I felt a few weeks ago. It might be the weather, though today is an exception because it’s pretty cold and gross out. I think making a concerted effort to be more open to social events has helped my brain and my psyche.

Now I just need to get this anxiety under control, and we’ll be golden.

I got a happy letter today, telling me that my unemployment claim has been renewed/extended/whatever. I get two and a half more months of crushing depression with a sprinkling of money! Huzzah. I am actually very happy about this, but it’s sort of hard to be happy about being unemployed in general. (Duh.)

Here’s my new technique: just don’t check the mail for a few days, because then when you check it, you’ll have received the Scary Letter of Doom (telling you that there is no more money in your claim, and by the way, you’re a bad person) AND the Happy Letter of Joy (more money is coming your way, you hobo!). Then, by pure chance, you’ll open the happy letter first, do a little dance, then scoff at the Scary Letter because you already know how the story ends. YOU WILL WIN.

I need a little winning, since a lot of other things feel like they are made of pure failure right now (myself included). Woo!

Today is another Monday in a long, long, long succession of jobless Mondays. It has been approximately 52 Mondays since I got fired. I feel like Garfield right now: I want lasagna and I hate today.

Mr. Something just finished his first year of grad school. Yay! This means that for this week, he will be my at-home friend, and then he starts a summer internship. I am happy that we’ll get to hang out a little bit without school being in the way. He’s really fun to be around.

On the other hand, I’m pretty sure my unemployment runs out again this week. If anyone from the Unemployment Office (or whatever) is reading this, don’t you think the letters could say, “$MONEY has been deposited into your bank account. You have $MONEY left in this claim, or (#) weeks.” That would make too much sense, right? Sigh. Instead, I have to rely on my shaky, estimated math. I think I’ll get about $9 next week, if anything. Ugh. So I’m boned, a little.

I’m getting scared to check the mail again, because I don’t want that scary letter, and I don’t want to open my bills, which are sometimes for amounts greater than my weekly unemployment checks. My student loans are on the back burner right now because of “hardship deferments;” that is magnificent because those monthly payments are ridiculous. My education is doing jack for me, anyway.

Argh. I still want lasagna, and I still sort of hate today, but someday there will be a Monday that I don’t hate because it’ll be my first day of work. (Also, my birthday is on a Monday this year, so there’s that.)

I have felt very meh lately, for lack of a better term. Actually, I have a better term, somewhere in my brain, but meh just so perfectly describes my current state. I’m tired, I don’t really care about anything, and my emotions are so roller-coastery that I feel like I have whiplash. I have sort of shut off the part of my brain that actually gives a damn. This is a condition called “long-term unemployment.”

Next week will be my one year anniversary of getting canned. Yay for me! Or boo. Or something. I’m glad that I made it through the year in one piece. I sure wish I had gainful employment, and I wish I wasn’t dependent on the goodwill of the state for my money, because let me tell you, that makes you feel like a piece of crap when you’re talking to people sometimes. They’ll bring up the funding of social programs, and inevitably, one or two people (I live in a liberal city, thankfully) will mention how they hate people who get government money. I have a big mouth, guys, so I have to poke the bear and reply that I am a recipient of that money, and then it turns into a big thing. People think you’re hysterical (in a “crazy woman” way, not a “hahaha” way) when you talk about this stuff, and really, I’m not, but my entire life kind of depends on social programs right now. So be nice; someone you know probably receives federal or state money for something, whether it be disability or unemployment or food stamps, and you have no idea.

I should make a cake for my one year anniversary and bring it into my old job! That’s a terrible idea. But it sounds fun, right? Just drop the cake on the desk and walk out without saying anything; I wish I was brave and a little stupider.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still bitter about being fired (the above paragraph illustrates that), and bitter about my situation. I freak out about my life at least three times a week, if not more. I was supposed to be better than this. I will be, probably, better than this one day, and then we’ll look back and wish that 2011-2012 were not as angst-ridden. I am bitter and angry and sad about things in my life, but I’m not sad about my life. That’s a very important distinction.

So if you know me in real life and I seem sort of blank, this is why. My brain is running at full-speed, but I’m blocking it a little so I don’t have to think about everything all the time. Stupid brain with its thinking.

It feels like life is rushing past me and I’m not on the train. People around me are working, getting married, having kids, actually living, and it makes me feel left behind a lot.

It’s been almost a year since I was “let go” from my last job. The economy was pretty terrible (it’s slightly better now, I hear), and I was really bitter about being forced into such a crappy hiring environment. It’s difficult for me to believe that I haven’t had a job for a year, especially because I thought that I would have no problem at all finding something.

I’m a smart woman in my late 20s. I have a master’s degree from an excellent university, where my grade point average for grad school was 3.98 and I was in the honors society. I was a Girl Scout for 13 years. I volunteered for Habitat for Humanity. I’m technologically savvy (to a point). I can speak a fair amount of Spanish. I traveled to El Salvador for an outreach project when I was in college. In short (and screw modesty, because that does not get you anywhere these days), I am pretty great on paper, and awesome in person. In the past year, I’ve learned that none of that means jack unless you know someone in a position of power.

I used to have a timeline of my life that I was going to stick to, no matter what. (Hahahahahahahahahahaha.) I’ve recently realized that if I want to be a happy person right now, I need to stop thinking about being happy at some point in the near future.

I don’t believe in higher powers, or “waiting for a sign,” or “it’s a test,” or any of that. I do, however, think I deserve more, and so I’ll work harder towards the things I think I deserve. Serendipity seems to have a pretty firm grasp on me, so maybe while I’m working hard towards something, an unexpected new thing will come my way. Life is weird, and pretty awesome sometimes. (Right now might not be one of those times.)