Trying (and Failing) to Be Awesome

I’m tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally, other ways that I can’t think of right now because of the tiredness. My unemployment has been very cyclical: for a few weeks, I’m totally fine, feeling positive, keeping my chin up, you know, all those terms I despise. Then for a few weeks, I’m really depressed and emotionally crappy.

I’m pretty sure everyone who is unemployed goes through a personality crisis. You completely reevaluate yourself, because something *has* to be wrong with you; that’s the only reason you don’t have a job, right? Ugh. I’ve been examining my personality, and I don’t really like what I’m finding. I’m kind of a jerk. I have anger issues, I expect too much from everyone, and I demand perfection from myself in an unreasonable way. I get frustrated because I feel like I’m not articulate anymore, and that makes me angry and then I get sad. I’m SO fun right now.

The biggest thing for me is that it’s really difficult for me to change my actions in the heat of the moment. I make a concerted effort to focus on making changes in my actions, and then I get mad. And… then everything becomes a blur and I have no control over my big mouth. Then I make more promises to change, which is all fine and good until I get mad again.

So basically I want to punch myself in the face.

I’m not usually very self-reflective, so this kind of hurts. I want to think that I’m awesome! But a lot of the time I am terrible and mean and should be given a time-out. I know that this is a fundamental part of my personality, too: I actually made one of my best friends cry at my fifth birthday party, and I did not care. At the same time, I hate when people are mad at me. COMPLICATED, I AM.

Self-reflection should lead to self-improvement, which is my next big project during this phase in my life. Operation Awesome, engage!


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